full measure

created: november 27, 2000

for anna goldwater alexander

i’ve found something. i have found something so pure, that only direct inspection and interaction will yeild its truths. these truths are neither finite nor objective, but their validity is unwavering. as unique as the print on a finger or the snoflake that melts upon it, i have found something as unique. for the lack of a better word, “find” *is* the term i use in the rightnow. for in the meatspace of my life, it is as if it were a miracle that i should be so lucky as to find something so intense and true. in dark rooms at late hours, when i have quieted enough to hear them, i am told to realize that it was *i* who was found by this truth. in even deeper bliss, i the atheist comes to the realization that this truth can only be explained by stating that i’ve been here “before.” this truth, while rising & ebbing with our lives, is a constant. so lucky i feel to have found this that i wish for my friends, all i know and love, to witness and interact with what i have found – for they too made me who i am. they too are my friends. they too are my ideas. they too are my audience. they too are my critics. they too are my window into who i am. it simply would not be a celebration of this truth if it were not attended by this family. you are my dear circus. all three rings we have – complete with cats and freaks and barkers and the coloured balloons. you all did me the honour of witnessing the ultimate celebration of what i have found. and as if is were not clearly evident beforehand, you all now know what it is that is so special about something so true and so right. my overwhelming emotions are all pointing towards a hope that all who are reading this right now will find and be found the same. for there is no luck. there is no angle. there is no other way to explain it then to say that if you be true to yourself and open it all up wide for all to see – as if a flag being put up a barren pole…only then will the other put up *their* flag for *you* to see. i beleive that this is my definition of hope. i cannot express any further then that. in a world full of near-misses and pitched attempts, there is nothing more important then hope.

that, in concert will a healthy frequency of analogy. i beleive certain things. i beleive (contrary to the above) that everything in this world, prior or next, can be explained by scientific theory or mathematical equation. i beleive that there is nothing so horrible in this world that it cannot be seen from some other better angle – even a hmourous one. i beleive that music and mathematics will be communication in a 100 years. i beleive in the word of extremely efficient offensive driving. but most specifically, i also beleive that lifes most hazardous and mind-boggling concepts can be helped along with the proper analogy.

take a song and its correlation to a life. my life, as all of yours, has been made scores richer by song – its elements, its standards, and most importantly, its path. a good song, in my minds ear, will start gradually and softly. not really knowing or being all too confident in where it is that its going to progress to. but before it *does* get too far, certain elements begin to repeat – patterns emerge, harmonies & scales, the accompaniment of multiple sources of sound, the direction of standards. the are measures. they are building blocks. by hearing all of these measures together, we get a very healthy sense of what the whole of the song is saying, or looks like, or sounds like – how well its all been put together. in here lies the hook. that melody or beat or combo of both that not only makes us who we are, but makes us visible and pleasing to others. a good song will have most of this repeat as a 2nd chorus, learning what worked from the first and repeating it with richer and fuller lyrics or arrangements. it shares the same framework of measures, but has grown and risen – almost as if the song is learning. some songs have more then 2. some lives have completely different sounding ones.

then, for me, something happens. at the point at which the song has risen and is proud and is accompanied by all that has made it strong, it takes a left. this is the bridge. the song has taken with it only the most special of its instruments. i takes on what seems to be an entirely new structure. the bridge is so damn nice. the bridge is the best part of the song…so far. it is at once a pleasant and calming reflection as well as a strong display of the expreience and structure that has brought is there. the bridge neednt be immediately coherent or predictable in its scales – for i beleive that the bridge is best realized once deep & well within it. there really are no standards for the length of the bridge, but every good song really needs one. for, by definition, it leads us to the other side.

that is where i must stop for lack of clarity. for i beleive that in my song of life, i have *just* begun the bridge. i hesitate to reflect as to the number of chorus i’ve just come thru. i hesitate to go on as to the specifics of the arrangement. you all know that better then i…really. what i do know is that my life has recently taken the most wonderfull of aural lefts. i am on the bridge and there is much to be digested and given back. i share this bridge with the most wonderfull of accompaniments that could ever have been played. i beleive it to be a brass. her instrument and mine have built my song to be one of tremendous beauty and depth, and i want all the world to hear. dammit.

my love – that truth of which i speak – is anna. i truly love thinking about and beleiving that anna and i have just begun our first full measure together. always intertwined yet seperate in our scales, we are now in a harmony that defies description. this is what i think about. this is my song. this is my life. i cannot tell you how much it means to me that you are with me anna. it will only be over the course of time that i may fully explain that – prolly by analogy. i wish for the whole of the circus to know that and to hear that and to feel that. they *are* me. i can think of no better way then these words – to thank all who have made me who i am, and who we are together…

shine on.
sha