so, i had a tuesday off…
i drive my beauty-fill wife into her new job in the city. the classic reversal where it is her that leans over & kisses the driver & drooling passenger goodbye. so there we were, a boy & his da, free in the big city early on a tuesday morning. our only hard & fast commitment being the ReelMoms movie at 11am.
by the time i parked under union square & walked the monkey thru downtown to arrive at the metreon, it was clear that i wasnt alone in this ‘being in charge of a little person’ thing. there were more then a few mommies toting their charge around as we filed into the ground floor lobby ticket line. the line snaked all the way around, almost to the doors. each unit of the line was no less then: 1 mom, 1 little person, & 1 stroller. all of which made the line much longer then it seemed. i could not believe such a wonderful thing was happening. a baby day at the movies.
we must have looked like some freakish version of a domestic army rolling our fearsome wheeled-steeds 4-wide & 12-deep down the dimly lit hallway towards theatre #12. the low grumbling of the crankly & the delighted alike could be heard to grow as the area in front of theatre #12 became a well-organised parking lot for dozens upon dozens of baby strollers. all the while the theatre staff were offering to hold bags whilst babies were hoisted, a personal touch most unbecomming of traditional theatre staff. it took me a bit longer to gather the necessities, which i guess is de rigeur for papas out on their own.
once i entered the long rear hallway leading to the side opening to the theatre, i was treated to one of the most hillarious sights i’ve seen this side of shasta. a large stadium-style theatre litterally PACKED with moms, car-seat-carriers, diaperbags, and every flavour of baby in every state on the emotional spectrum. all with the sounds you would expect from such a motley crew. so packed was the room that i had to think quick & nab the 2 seats on the isle immediately next to th opening. which proved a godsend for my comfort-level to ahve a quick escape-route should the poopypants episode of the motorcycle show rear its ugly head, if you’ll pardon the pun.
this was the domestic issue of pure & utter insanity. to see that many babies in one eyefull. eating, cranking, laughing, being changed in the aisles, every other adult either talking baby-talk or talking with the mom next to them, impromptu singing by clutches of moms to their respective clutch of wee ones, other moms handing their charge to a perfect stranger mom in the aisle in front of them while they got bottle or boob ready. just crazy.
however, in the same breath, it really was about the most logical thing in the world, this ReelMoms concept. its a pure win-win for all involved. the moms get to see a first-run, not too loud motion picture in a comfortable adequitely-lit theatre with wall-to-wall support, the kids get to be entertained by all the stimuli from other babies to will ferrel, and the theatre takes in more in ticket-sales from a full theatre then they ever would otherwise at 11am on a tuesday morning.
as always, Jude was a rockstar. we had only about 6 or 7 minutes of sitting around before the lights dimmed a bit & the picture began, sans previews. and once it did, what can only be called Screen-Trance began as well. just this wide-eyed staring at the screen, mesmerised by the colours, the lights, the noise. so much so that he could be put contently into just about any position from standing on my knees to sitting on my lap. the first 3rd of the movie was spent like this. what i thought would be the most distracting things to do turned out to be the least.
the 2nd 3rd of the film was me feeding him. or, trying to at least. all he wanted to to was to crane his neck to the action on-screen. and then with perfect timing & usual strain, he lets me know he’s in need of a fresh one. diaper that is. ever changed a messy diaper in the dark? at the front of a theatre right below the screen? the whole while will ferrel literally destroys the inside of a department stores christmas display as he attempts to unmask a fake santa? i think i did very well considering the circumstances and conditions, espeically in the shadow of the previous weekends poopypants episode [more on this in a later blog].
the 3rd 3rd of the film saw jude sleeping soundly in his carseat, propped up to see the screen in case he was to awake. it was that famous. the whole experience was that brilliant and if you have the ways & means, i highly recommend attending one.
Funniest thing heard all day in the theatre, spoken by one of the theatre staff into his walkie-talkie:
“jimmy, we got some really irate people up here at theatre #12! would you PLEASE tell them to stop selling tickets to the 11 oclock ‘ELF’ if they’re NOT carrying a baby?!”
and if the above wasnt enough of a fabulous day, a walked to The Irish Bank to have a quaint little lunch in the alley with CindyLoo & MommAnna. 2 pints & a shepards pie aint bad for a leisurely day off. Jude then proceeded to stay content as i Bjorned his ass thru no less then 10 stores, 4 elevators, 8 escalators, and 2 mens rooms. It was on that last mens’ room that he finally said: “ok, ya know what? no. fuck this. i’m exploding. buh-bye” so, i’m sitting in the handicap stall in the Nordstrom mens room. jude is FUH-REEKING out. i’m wiggling around trying to get a bottle prepared for him. its hot. i’m sweating. he’s clearly not in a happy place. and from outside the stall, it sounds like a father & child are in desperate need for some peace.
so, what does the fucking nineball leaving the stall next to us do? as he walks out of the bathroom, without washing his hands i might add, he kills the lights. all of them. pitch fucking black. so help me god if i could have handed jude to a trusted someone i would have gone after this cunts molars with a pair of rusty pinking shears. HOW COULD SOMEONE FUCKING DO THAT?! YOU JUST DONT DO THAT!! Thats like re-arranging the desks at the school for the blind fer fooks sake! Isnt there a REAL Karma Police to come billy-club the teeth of people like this?
I’ll see a movie with you and Jude any time.
Posted by: unknown at November 14, 2003 2:49 AM
(Originally Posted: 2003_1112)