SPEW :: to julieana

created: april 25, 1997

“what the fuck?”

Good question. Emotion as yet unfiled. I guess that there is something to be said about the fact that I handnt talked or heard or made an effort to contact Jubal more than 3-4 times while he was living in SantaFe. I seriously doubt that he would be thinking along those lines…that kinda scorecard when making out the list of who he wants “included.” However, I guess that the longer it goes, the LESS likely he may be to call ANY OF US. Analogy forthcoming: See, Maria, the girl that we lived with…the one that I dont really get along with and vice versa…her mom passed away a week or two ago. Anna is horrified that I havent “reached” out to tell her something. Personally, the views I have concerning that transition are
deeply rooted, and frankly, the last thing I would ever do was to tell her that I’m sorry. I TRULY am sorry for her loss, though. Its just that if I was her, and I knew full well that Sean doesnt care for me, I would be overly offended if he came up to me and said sorry…regardless of how sincere I KNEW he was about it. Theres a spike in her life right now. Everything is spry and random and out of control…she’s got a SHIT load to deal with right now. Once again, I would be wrought away from those obligations if someone that I didnt care for came up and said the same thing that EVERYONE’s been saying for weeks. Now, having said all that, I do have very definite plans to write her and to tell her, in phat detail everything I’ve said here. WHY i didnt “come” to her in her time of need. WHY i have the feelings for her that I do. WHY i view the transition her mother encountered the way I do. All of these things and more. I just want to wait until things, for the lack of a better phrase, “die down.” AND THAT ID WHAT BRINGS ME TO THIS ANALOGY::

There is a spike in Jubals life right now. He KNOWS that we’re in the dark about all of this. He KNOWS that he should call us. He KNOWS that this has been diametrically opposite to everything WE thought Jubal was (is?). And most importantly, he KNOWS that we know. And no matter how he re-iterates his little mantra about “the way I live my life…”, he knows that theres something that needs to be done: Something as little as simply telling us that its true, to something more deep like “This is everything and why.” All this he knows. And the spike that he’s dealing with now WILL die down and he will come around. I CANNOT say that I dont want or need to hear what he has to say. It’s killing me as I’m sure it is you too. To hear about something second or third hand like this… something so massive in a cats life… and this cat, BY DEFINITION, is the best friend you’ve ever felt…to be out of the loop is weird. I feel no hurt. I feel no negativity. I feel only like what a dog must feel/look like when it hears/sees something it just does NOT understand: That inquisitive cock of the head. We like to think that we’re “due” an explanation. Tell him THAT and you’re likely not to hear from him for a while. He runs his life by a different clock than most, J. And if you make requests or demands before either he’s formulated one or is ready to spew it, than he;ll take the defensive. That is what I think.

Jubal is nothing if he is not unintentionally throwing curves to the people who think they know him. Sometimes he pulls off doing this INtentionally… and making it look like as random as the wind. But as you say, “The Undercover Smart.Guy” has no regrets about his forward progress. I’m actually looking forward to hearing not only WHAT he has to say, but HOW he says it. You can tell alot about how someone feels about something by simply listening to inflection, or lack of it, in their voices and their stories. I have this vision of him calling and telling me about it, and his voice is just going to de deadline and deadpan. This seems TOTALLY arranged!!! Or sould I say DE-ranged? I never had any doubt abthe two of them spending the rest of their lives together. Perhaps I was even in denial about the fact that they would most likely be married in 1/2 a decade…regardless of the conversations that I had SEPERATELY with the both of them about how irrelevant marraige was in the Western World. But all of that just takes a back seat to the fact that there was not outpouring of “whatever” after they’d done it. FINE…go off and have a secret marraige with just yourselves and a select few. Couples have been doing it since antiquity. And while I could CARE LESS about not being warned or invited, I DO have some reservations about how I’m supposed to feel when I realize that if I never called and investigated, I MAY NEVER HAVE KNOWN.

So the controlled experiment is this: Since he knows that we know, how long will it take before the tension is relaesed by EITHER party making contact? What if its another 4 weeks? What do you say? What DONT you say? Why will it MATTER so fucking much when that happens?

NOW, in light of all that, rmember two things:

He’s living in PHOENIX… that’s a whole ‘nother 27 paragraphs in and of itself… He’s distanced himself even further from sources of soul and inspiration….

….and that SUCKS…for him and us.


One thought on “SPEW :: to julieana”

  1. Jubal’s closest would have had to begin the walk in our shoes in 1993. Go through every chapter, have the 23 years, the best and the darkest times–and come out with nothing more but unlimited love. j., he cared about you. He cared about many. He had many soulmates. I grew up with him. Our bond was unbreakable. I wouldn’t say we were in love. It was an unlimited love. Nobody has ever loved so unconditionally. He is and will remain the love of my life. Until we meet again, just know I am looking up at you Jubal.

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