manual de la jude

this hereby stands as a manual for the care, feeding, and general upkeep of The Joodle at 9 months…

1. jude is totally crawling. well. he will truck along towards anything he sees & wants. once he arrives at his target, he will reach & grab. this means anything within arms-reach from the edge of a coffeetable will be stripped off & slimed. bottles & glasses of wine included. you’ve been warned.
2. old (yet clean) remote controls are perfect bait for him to crawl after, as are cats lounging nearby. occasionally, he will either fall onto something he’s going after, or just mash the device too hard into his mouth. these events trigger some, but not much tears.
3. jude has no trouble pulling himself up to a standing position whilst clutching something taller then him. normally, you don’t need to constantly ‘spot’ the lil man when he crawls around. but when he gets to standing, even if only on his knees, here you’ve got to spot him.
4. jude can stand on his own weight for a long time. and depending on mood, will dance up & down on your crotch. men, watch out for the bells if you know what i mean. he can even pull himself up to a standing positon under his own strength. which means he can also fall right the hell back down with a thud and the tears and the wailing. so, whenever he’s standing, please be there to catch his husky ass.

1. most often, jude will be content to wiggle around on your floors, trying with all his might to reach for & devour whatever he sees. watch out for your low-hanging plants and anything on a coffee-table.
2. if the telly is on, he will interchange between wiggling on the floor and sitting up watching the toob. depends whats on. if you’re doing BABY EINSTEIN, then you wont see him move much. if something else is on, he’ll pay some attention, but not much. sometimes no telly and just music yields some great nights with him.
3. offer him things. spoons are a great source of fascination for him. as are cell-phones with the keys locked. anything he does wield will become drenched with slobber. he loves remote controls. you’ve been warned.
4. i’ve also noticed that he’s captivated by being carried around & offered high-postion things to look at. like letting him slap the spines of heavy books, or grasping the tops of drapes, or offering him the handle of the fridge to pull on, just to name a few. again, watch his vice grip. he’s like an ant and can grasp far greater then his own weight.

1. sleep should come easily, if you know what to look for. somewhere between 7 & 8, maybe even as late as 8.30, yet certainly after he’s eaten, he will rub his eyes. this is what we call the window and it should be exploited as your opportunity to put him in a somewhat quieter, calmer & darker environment. usually at this point, you can lay him down on his back with shampoo* and walk away. usually. always with the nancy* here. always.
2. if after putting him down (after the window) he is fussing & cranking, an effective method to woo him to sleep is to rub his stomach if he’s on his back, or rub his husky ass if he’s on his stomach. he will roll back & forth. he may even try to pull himself up to his knees. simply re-position him back onto his back & continue to rub. a somewhat effective method is to play with his hair, back & forth, forehead to bald-spot.
3. calming soothing ambient music is very effective. he’s into brian eno, enya, and voo doo child (aka: moby). although anything with soft tones & not too much beat or activity will work. it’s the ‘sonic wallpaper’ that helps him wind down.
4. if the above doesn’t work, and he’s either cranking up a storm or clearly not liking going down, it is ok to warm a bottle & give him that. even if its been only 1 hour since last feeding. what usually happens is that he starts the bottle & passes out mid-way. just make sure you got him in a reclined position with the nancy handy.
5. if all of the above fails, there is certainly no problem with putting him right back to where ever he was when he first showed the window. just watch for more signs and try again in 30 minutes or so.

1. he’s got a bladder the size of a big gulp, and has been known to overflow a supreme diaper in a single sneeze. therefore, it is a very wise idea to change his husky ass sometime not too long after his bottle.
2. if he drops a deuce in the caboose, you will prolly hear about it before you ever smell it. he’s really good about the whole bitching about soiled linen thing. so, if he turns into general cranky all of a sudden, cast a whiff down the backside to see if he’s given you a present. 4 out of 5 times, he offers up classical turds rather then messy marvins. all the same though, have plenty of wet-wipes handy. and also when available, 2 people changing a #2 are always better then soloing.
3. don’t be at all hesititant to really strap his husky ass into the diaper. just when you think its just tight enough, he wiggles a certain way and boom there’s his crack hanging out. so, cinch him in, making sure the strap in the back is flat and snug against his back. no one likes blow-outs, man.

sean 415.999.0790
anna 415.999.0792

– 6 cubes of ice
– 8 ounces jack daniels
– one can coke classic
– one lime

fill two glasses with three ice cubes each. pour four ounces of jack daniels into one glass, four ounces into another. squeeze one half of lime into each glass. leave the coke classic unopened on countertop, as the coke classic will only hinder restorative powers of the whiskey. drink with your lover. repeat as necessary.

(Originally Posted: 2004_0319)

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